How to be Assertive

How to be Assertive

Assertiveness is a social skill that relies on effective communication, in which you have healthy confidence to stand up for yourself while maintaining respect for others.

If you are assertive with your viewpoint, you can express yourself without being hostile or submissive. You will have a better chance of being understood and getting what you desire. 

Let's discuss 5 steps to become assertive.

1) Be calm and speak up. Pay close attention to your body language. Lean in a bit, maintain eye contact, keep a smile or a neutral expression. Mentally be prepared with what you want to say.

2) Understand and accept disagreement. Being assertive does not mean that you have to be aggressive or put people down. You need to state your point of view, as well as understand what others have to say. A disagreement will not make you angry.

3) Keep it short and simple. What you need to say has to be short and direct, so that people can understand easily. If you beat around the bush or be extremely elaborate, people might lose interest or get annoyed. 

4) The power of 'I' - Rather than saying 'You should' or 'Your never', say 'I feel' or 'I understand that'. 'You' statements sound aggressive and belittling, whereas 'I' will make you sound more empathetic and confident.

5) Respecting your own boundaries - Understanding when to say 'no' or 'yes'. If you feel that others are being rude to you, in that case you can decide what you will or will not do. If you respect your own boundaries, others will learn to do the same.

It takes time to learn and practice assertiveness. Start today and gradually you will succeed.

How to stop seeking Validation

How to stop seeking Validation

We seek validation from others when we are unsure or doubtful about something. It is good to take advice, however, seeking validation on a continuous basis makes us less confident. We rely on others and stop trusting our own instincts and judgement.

1. Increase Self Awareness : Recognise when you are feeling unsure, doubtful or uncertain about something. The more self aware you are the easier it will be for you to understand and keep a check when and how you are seeking validation.

2. Understand why you need approval : Before turning to others ask yourself "What do I think about this?" "Why do I need to ask this person about this". Try to take sometime to think why is it that you are seeking for validation on that particular event or situation. Whom are you seeking validation from?

3. Trust your inner voice : It might be scary at first but do what you feel is right. Tell yourself that your knowledge is enough to decide upon something. The more you trust your instinct the more confident you get.

4. Do what makes you comfortable :  "Before asking someone else let me try it my own way. What will make me comfortable? What do I feel is the right way?" Base all your decisions on your comfort. It is the easiest way to get things done.

5. Embrace your uniqueness : Everyone has their own unique style of doing things. Stop trying to fit in, learn about life your own way. You will gradually learn that your way is better as it is developed by you.

Types of Conversations that are better than Gossip

Types of Conversations that are better than Gossip

Healthy conversations are uplifting, light hearted and leaves you in bliss. Whereas gossip can excite you temporarily but it leaves behind a bitter and low feeling. Gossip creates misunderstanding and stress. Be around people you can engage with positively.

Discussed below are types of conversations that are terrific for self development. 

Individual goals - Discussing dreams and aspirations leads to better understanding of self. It is valuable to understand how others dream as well. It strengthens the bond between people.

Personal Values - How to define and live by them. Different people have different values such as honesty, trust, love and faith. Sharing values helps in personal development.

Learning from past experiences - Past experiences provide a blueprint to how we behave now, both good and bad experiences are excellent for sharing and learning from.

Stories - Fiction and non-fiction. Storytelling is a very good way to engage verbally. Sorties help connect with new people.  

Discussing bottled up feelings - Discussing feelings lead to emotional growth. It helps to deal with trauma and stress. We can find relief and happiness in such discussions.

Funny incidents - The ones that will make our bellies hurt. Easiest to start with, fastest way to bond with people. Sharing joy and laughter at its best.

Sharing knowledge - Philosophies, politics, science, art, education and everything about the universe. Wildly engaging in terms of content. Interesting and best for self development.

Creative Ideas - Leaving one motivated and excited. Mutually helpful and grossly engaging conversation. Creative ideas help in career and life growth.

Engaging in healthy conversations is beneficial for mind and body. It is healthy, keeps one occupied. It provides better bonding between individuals. 

Things to keep in mind before opening up to someone emotionally

Things to keep in mind before opening up to someone emotionally

We are social beings, we attach ourselves with other human beings to survive. We have a natural tendency to depend on others emotionally. There is a need to confide in people, discuss or plan situations, events or moments. 

However, we need to keep certain things in mind before we confide in someone or trust someone with our problems. Not only there is a  risk of confidentiality breach but if people do not receive the problem well, their reaction might affect us adversely. 

1. How well does the person deal with stressful situations? Is the person calm enough to understand the situation?

2. How non judgemental is the person's view of the world? Or do you find the person biased or critical.

3. How well can the person keep secrets? Does the person gossip about things that should not be  discussed?

4. How is the person doing right now emotionally? Is the person looking at things positively or he/she is going through their own distress?

Not everyone is at a place to help us at the moment. It is better to let the person heal before we ask them for advice. Till then we can find someone who is more emotionally capable to guide us at the moment.

5 Steps to deal with Anxiety

 

Anxiety is our body’s natural response when we come across something dangerous or fearful. It helps us get things done, like studying for exams, paying rent on time etc.

When we experience anxiety there are certain physiological changes. We feel restless, our hearts beat faster, we might experience breathlessness, chest pain, we sweat a little more than usual, and it may be accompanied with racing thoughts.

How to deal with Anxiety?

1.      Physical Acceptance: Telling oneself that this is just a feeling. Anxiety is uncomfortable but not dangerous. Changing the way one feels about anxiety is important. Rather than saying “I can’t stop myself from feeling this way, I can’t handle my anxiety.” We can start saying “It’s okay to feel this way sometimes”, “I am not enjoying this but this will not injure me.” One has to make space for anxiety.

 

2.      Practice Relaxation: Taking slow deep breaths, it is also known as abdominal breathing. Slowly breathing through nose, while the stomach rises, and then slowing exhaling through mouth, pushing out as much air as one can, as gently as possible. Deep breathing helps one relax through an anxious situation.

 

3.      Develop a Growth Mindset: One can let go of the need to do everything perfectly and replace that with a growth mindset. Shift goals from getting things done perfectly to learn things instead. Allowing self to make mistakes and learn from them.

 

4.      Practice Compassion toward Self: Give self credit for the smallest things that one achieves. Writing them down, sharing with family or close friends. Rewarding self for the little things that one does will motivate to pursue things further. Example, “Yes, I woke up on time,” or “I read 2 pages of a book”. So, rather than being harsh and saying “I cannot even do this much”, which is self punishing, one should be compassionate towards self.

 

5.      Face the fear: Running away from a situation provides short term relief from anxiety. When one faces the situation step by step one realises that the situation was only perceived to be fearful. Facing the fear along with relaxation helps deal with the anxiety. Telling self “I will do it even if it makes me anxious, I will do it till my anxiety is reduced to half.”       

 

 

5 steps to deal with Anxiety: Anxiety is our body’s natural response when we come across something dangerous or fearful. It helps us get things done, like studying for exams, paying rent on time etc. When we experience anxiety there are certain physiological changes. We feel restless, our hearts beat faster, we might experience breathlessness, chest pain, we sweat a little more than usual, and it may be accompanied with racing thoughts. First, physical acceptance of anxiety, telling oneself that anxiety is just a feeling. Second, practice relaxation, deep breathing helps one relax through an anxious situation. Third, develop a growth mindset, one can let go of the need to do everything perfectly and replace that with a growth mindset. Fourth, practice compassion toward self; give self credit for the smallest things that one achieves. Fifth, facing the fear along with relaxation helps deal with the anxiety.

 

How to Deal with a Breakup

 

Breakups are situations in life when a relationship comes to an end. Break ups can be mutual or one sided. In a mutual breakup both the parties fall out of love and decide to go their own separate ways. Mutual breakups occur when both the parties decide that they want different things in their lives or they mutually lost attraction towards each other or they have both started liking other people. All breakups are difficult, letting go of a person is painful. However, one sided break ups (i.e. if one of them is dumped) it is much harder. Such breakups occur if only one person decides to move on whereas the other person wants to stay in the relationship. It is especially problematic if there is cheating or a third person involved.  There is a lot of pain, emotional turmoil, helplessness, fear, loss of self-confidence and so on. Discussed below are some of the ways in which one can deal with a break up. 

   

1)      Tell yourself that this is indeed a very difficult time that you are going through emotionally. It is not easy at all. Even though the pain seems impossible, it will still get better with time.

2)      Set your own boundaries. How much of that person you would like to see on social media. How much contact you are willing to keep. If it is easier keep that person out of your sight. See less of them. Block them. It will provide a better space for you to move on.

3)      Stop looking for answers from your ex pa
rtner for every unanswered question in your mind. Chances are that you will not find any if you haven’t yet. It will leave you more broken and in doubt. Give yourself a closer, so that you can be at peace. Not all questions need to be answered right away.

4)      Try to stop reliving old moments, it is very hard, but stop looking at old pictures together. It will make the pain worse.

5)      If you are feeling low, cry it out. If you can’t stop thinking about the person take a few deep breaths. Tell yourself that it is normal to have thoughts about your partner. However, it is just about time, gradually the pain will disappear. Don’t tell yourself “I will not think about him/her” because that is not possible.

6)      Don’t Stalk. This will hinder your healing process. The more you stalk the longer it will take for you to move on. It will make you sadder.

7)      Focus on a new beginning. Tell yourself that better things are waiting for you. The faster you heal and move the better chances you will have of meeting someone better and well suited for you. Look at your past relationship as a learning experience.

8)      Don’t force yourself to date again or meet someone new immediately. Take your time to heal from the previous wounds.

9)      Think about the times when you were not in the relationship. What were the things that kept you happy and involved back then? Focus on the activities you had to let go because of a busy schedule. Do things that give you meaning and purpose in life. 

10   Take up new activities, learn new things, form new associations, meet new people give yourself opportunities to grow out of the past relationship. Spend time with the people you love. Grow and heal.

Breakups are a part of life. They are not life. Trust yourself and move on bravely.

Body Shaming and its Impact

Over hundreds of years human beings have formed very stereotypical rules about how an attractive human being is supposed to appear and deviance from those rules are unattractive. Currently television, social network, advertisements give us a feedback of what is more acceptable and desired. The models appear very similar in terms of their appearance. Flawless, perfect shape, hair and also fair. What happens when we are born to look different? What will happen if we do not seem to look like the model on the billboard? Will the society accept us?

Society burdens us with the pressure to appear in a certain way. Along with the billboards, there are parents, friends, siblings, cousins, partner and other relatives. If we look anything beyond the rules we have to endure various funny name callings, jokes and casual remarks. 

We start believing that indeed there is something wrong with us; it makes us sad, angry and restless. A lot of time is spent looking through the internet to find out if there is any solution for the problem, “how to look thinner in 14 days?”, “how to make my skin look fairer”, “can I make my pimple disappear in a day?” Such distressing thoughts affect our self-confidence, ability to concentrate and decision making skills.

Since this problem has been there in our society for decades, is there any hope for change? We can begin by bending the “rules”, we have to define attractiveness and beauty in our own way. Someone said “Kindness is beautiful”. Appreciate people when they do something courageous, act responsibly, are honest, own up to mistakes or feed a stray. 

We must stop (with compassion) others if we see them name calling, bullying or joking others. If you cannot, make sure you address the victim and have a chat about how courageous and beautiful you found him/her, when he/she faced the bully so bravely. 

We can help the world to bend these rules for all of us, as we have all undergone shaming in one way or the other. A positive body image makes us confident and happy.